By Jack Krampitz
The author Robert Fulghum wrote the inspiring book, All I Really Need to Know I learned in Kindergarten. But, to be honest, I can’t really remember what I learned there. It was so, so, so long ago.
But over the last year and a half of this pandemic, I have spent an amazing amount of time erasing spam emails and text messages from my iPad. In the course of doing that, I have amassed a tremendous amount of medical knowledge that the TBE reader really should be aware of.
Some of this knowledge may be shocking to the general reader, so I urge you not to read this while you are eating breakfast. But it is of vital importance to your health and well-being. Here are some of the messages I have gotten from people who really care about me:
- Someone named “The Sherpa” recently sent me an Email with this title–“What coffee, alcohol & bananas do to your blood pressure.” Personally, I haven’t eaten a banana in 60 years, but what’s the deal with coffee and alcohol? Those are considered daily necessities to anyone’s health and sanity. Well, after a 40-minute video presentation, coffee and alcohol were never actually mentioned, but I did learn the Sherpa’s life story. I also found out that if I order six bottles of a special supplement, called “Placebo for the Easily Fooled,” I can throw away my blood pressure medication and live happily to the age of 117. And the really great part is that the six bottles will only cost me $157, but that is only if I order today.
2. I also recently received an urgent Email from Mike G., another close friend, who writes a newsletter called “The Nutrition Watchdog.” Mike told me that “there is a deeply disturbing thing going on inside your kidneys at this very moment that is wreaking havoc on your insulin levels.” Now- full disclosure–I am not a diabetic. But I am only two scoops of ice cream away from being diabetic, so Mike’s letter had me very concerned. I watched Mike’s 40-minute presentation in which I also learned his life story. At the 39th minute, He finally revealed what I needed to do to avoid diabetes. I was told to order eight bottles of the special supplement just discovered by natives in Mongolia last week. The eight bottle order is needed to activate the discount price of $189.
3. Another caring friend, Dr. Kareem, just messaged me with a dire warning, “Don’t do THIS in the bedroom! A top Ivy-League-trained Doctor has uncovered a common sex routine that is “shockingly linked to CANCER in men over the age of 60.” He even had a more dire warning in RED, “Is Your Sex Life KILLING YOU?” I couldn’t imagine anything I do in bed that is shocking or dangerous, possibly with the exception of snoring, but I was determined to find out what the danger was. 40 minutes later, I discovered that two doses of “Manhood Helper” would free me of all my problems. Six bottles–$135.
There are so many more that if I describe them all, you would be overwhelmed with fear and paralyzed with anxiety. But here are a smattering of the 50 or so other messages I receive each week:
- This “pooping trick” helps people slim down fast after 40. You have 40 pounds of poop stuck in your colon.
- Lose 47 lbs. by balancing this hormone.
- John , Um, about your toenails… (must see) — Put this spice in your shoes to fix your toe nail fungus.
Now, first of all, I have a better diet regimen than the pooping or hormone fixes. This was suggested by one of my sisters long before these email experts were writing me every day. And it works much more rapidly. She said, “Lose 25 Ugly pounds–Cut Off Your Head!”
And as far as toenail fungus goes, the only realistic cure appears to be literally pulling out all my toenails. That ain’t happening!
I do have one question to ask now that I have informed you of all the dangers we all face. How did these people know that I am an over-weight 69-year-old man with high blood pressure, pre-diabtetes, toenail fungus, who has 40 pounds of poop sitting in his colon, waiting to be freed? And those are just some of my problems–It’s impossible to list them all.
So-How do they know so much about me? WHO TOLD?
