I am sure all of you have favorite Christmas songs on your playlist, but my purpose here today is discussing–not a favorite–but possibly the dumbest holiday song of all time.
I am speaking, of course, of The Twelve Days of Christmas, a truly ridiculous exercise in meaningless lyrics and forced alliteration. Here it is in all its glory.
The Twelve Days of Christmas
On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me, a partridge in a pear tree.
On the second day of Christmas my true love sent to me, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree.
On the third day of Christmas my true love sent to me, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree.
All verses follow the same pattern. Each verse deals with the next day of Christmas, adding one new gift and then repeating all the earlier gifts, so that each verse is one line longer than its predecessor.
- Day 4- four calling birds
- Day5- five gold rings
- Day 6- six geese a-laying
- Day 7- seven swans a-swimming
- Day 8- eight maids a-milking
- Day 9- nine ladies dancing
- Day 10- 10 lords a-leaping
- Day 11- 11 pipers piping
- Day12- 12 drummers drumming
So, if my math is correct, in the course of twelve days, this so-called “true love” gave his/her lover:
12 partridges, 22 turtle doves, 30 French hens, 36 calling birds, 42 geese (who are laying more potential geese), and 49 swimming swans.
That is a total of 191 noisy birds, most of whom are unfit for human consumption.
This is not all, of course. The gifts also include 40 maids a-milking (which means there are probably 40 loose cows also), 36 ladies dancing, 30 leaping lords, 22 piping pipers, and (Thank God!) only 12 drumming drummers.
Where can the average person house 140 annoying people, never mind feed them?
Now, granted, there does appear to be one gift of some value, 40 gold rings. But you would probably have to pawn all the gold to pay for the rest of the 12-ring circus you were given.
Who would ever want these gifts? And who the heck wrote this song?
Now if we are forced to sing the 12 horrendous choruses of this Christmas “classic,” how about if we make it truly worthwhile.
Why not have our “True love” give us a thousand dollars in place of each original gift? Again, if my math is correct, that would amount to $371,000.00- and make for a much more popular and attractive lover.
There you go–Song solved–You are welcome.
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