By Jack Krampitz
A few weeks ago, a senior citizen that I know very well had a mishap with his Internet connection. Actually, the problem was not the fault of the Internet provider. In fact, this senior’s dog chewed up the power cord to his modem. Suddenly all access to the Internet was lost and our senior and his wife were lost as well. No Netflix, no Amazon, no email, no idiotic video games–how could they survive?
I’m sure you have already figured this out, but the hopeless senior was I. (Yes, this is the proper English.)
Anyway, I decided that I should call my internet provider to see how I could replace the power cord to the modem. “This should be a fairly simple procedure,” I thought. I was very, very, very wrong.
To avoid a costly lawsuit, I am not naming the company that provides my Internet. However, if you also were a childhood fan of Davy Crocket, you remember the theme song to the TV show. Davy was “the king of the wild ___________”. Well, that is my internet provider.
So I called the phone number for ____________, and was told I might have to wait a while (20 minutes) to actually talk to a human being, but was welcome to ask my question on their handy-dandy website.
To the website I went, full of hope and optimism. Here is where the story turns extremely dark.
The A.I. robot charged with solving my problem typed, “How can I help you today?”
I typed in my issue — “My dog ate the power cord to my modem. Can you send me a replacement cord?”
The A.I. robot surely said to itself, “This is going to be fun!” But to me, it said, “Can you tell me your customer ID number, please?”
Are you kidding, who knows their customer ID? “I do not have my customer number,” I reply.
Mr. Robot tells me, “You can find your ID number at the top of your bill.”
I answer, “I don’t have a bill because you asked me to go paperless six months ago.”
Mr. Robot- “If you go to the website, you can find your statement online. The customer ID is in the top left-hand corner of your statement.”
“I am already online with you!!!! How can I go online when I’m already online?” I pride myself on being patient, but Robot is getting on my nerves.
After 10 more minutes back and forth, we ascertain my customer ID.
Then Robot says, “Can I have the final four digits of your Social Security number?”
I give him the answer while thinking we weren’t talking about sharing the nuclear codes. I just need a new power cord. But let’s get this moving forward.
After all this has taken up 30 minutes of my possible nap time, Robot asks, “How can I help you today?”
I throttle my emotions and reply, “My dog ate the power cord to my modem. Can you send me a replacement cord?”
This supposedly superior intelligence says, “Try unplugging your modem and then plug it back in.”
How do you scream over the internet? “I don’t have a power cord. That’s why I need a new one!”
Robot counters with, “If that doesn’t work, check the connection in your basement.”
“That is not my problem. I don’t have a power cord. Can I please speak to a human being?”
Robot calmly replies, “Is the light on top of your modem a blinking light or a solid light?”
“There is no light on my modem because it doesn’t have power because my dog ate the power cord! Can I please please speak to a human being?”
I have now been online with this superior intelligence for an hour and a half. It suddenly dawns on me that this robot is indeed smarter than I am. He has kept me tied up for 90 minutes, and he is winning the contest in the robot pool for how long one of them can string some idiot along without solving the problem.
I finally log off, go to Amazon, and order the cord in 30 seconds.
The robot turns to all his fellow bots and says, “I just had a clown online for 90 minutes. All the crypto in the jar is now mine!”
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