Alas, poor Dairy Queen, we hardly knew ye

person holding vanilla ice cream on conePhoto by Bianca on Pexels.com

Posted By: Jack Krampitz August 13, 2024

By Jack Krampitz

A long time ago in a city that still believed in fairy tales, this reporter informed the readers of TBE that a Dairy Queen was coming to Bristol. He did so with the innocence of an excited four-year old who still believed in the tooth fairy.

The arrival was planned for a good-sized parcel on Route 6, sitting appropriately enough next to Kentucky Fried Chicken, or as they prefer these days, KFC.

Here is the photo that hyped the new arrival.

Time passed, and then passed some more, and the lot was cleared but remained empty. We were told that the DQ was not dead, but there were some problems that needed to be worked out.

More months went by, and the months turned into seasons, and the seasons turned into years.

And now, sad to say, the DQ lot is for sale. DQ in Bristol is dead. Yes, Virginia, there is no Dairy Queen.

What could go in that lot now? Many citizens think Bristol could use a good Vape shop. Or Dollar General could use another Bristol location. We eagerly await the next announcement.

Could there be a small DQ hidden in the brush?

What went wrong with DQ? We cannot say for certain, but our suspicion is that it was always intended as a cruel hoax on the innocent DQ lovers of Bristol.

This embarrassed reporter has offered his resignation to the editor-in-chief of TBE, Dave Fortier, but Fortier slapped my letter away, shouting, “Why would I want the resignation of someone who isn’t even paid?!”

So here I sit, waiting for my next humiliation.

Wait, I just got a hot tip that a gas station will soon open on Route 6 near the Bingham School apartments! I’ll keep everyone posted.

This Valero should open by 2032, according to schedule.

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